Randomness

Failure

2008-08-04T23:43:40Z

As I am packing up my place yet again, I can't help but feel like I have failed. In just under two weeks I am moving back to live with my family because I cannot afford to live on my own, pay my credit card debt, and then have to pay my student loans come December. I was going through some boxes I had kept packed from moving last time and it just has me upset. I share a kitchen at my current place so I kept most of my kitchen stuff packed away. Well, when I move back to North Branch, that stuff is going into storage, so I am taking inventory. I realized as I was going through it that the past five years haven't just been about getting an education, but about building a life for myself and now that is all going to hell.

I finally get my degree. This is supposed to be the time where things start going my way and that I really strike out into the world on my own, but instead, I am being forced into living with my family in North Branch, the last place I want to live. It's not that I don't like my family, I do, it just feels like I am bringing myself back to a place I thought I had gotten past.

I know this is largely my own fault. I was stupid with credit cards and have gotten myself into a bad situation and a large part of going back home is to cut down on expenses so I can get myself out of this situation, but it still sucks. I want to feel like I can succeed on my own, and this isn't helping. If my family lived in Minneapolis, maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but North Branch has absolutely nothing going on. Small towns aren't my think anymore. Sure, I'll get to see a few friends more, but I am going to be isolating myself from all my friends down here.

Being gay in a small town doesn't help either. I haven't had a date in over a fucking year and that isn't even saying much because I have hardly dated. Now it is going to be way more difficult to not only meet someone (gay population of North Branch pretty much equals me), but to have any semblance of a social life. Who wants to date someone that is not only about an hour away, but lives with their mom? ARGH, I am so fucking sick of being single. I am not saying I want a relationship tomorrow, but a date here and there with the possibility of it developing into something would be nice.

I spent time today figuring out how to get myself out of this mess and I am going to do it as quickly as possible. This isn't where I envisioned my life being a few years ago and I'll be damned if it is going to stay this way.

That's (really) it!

2008-05-20T02:30:37Z

I am officially the first person in my immediate family to earn a four-year college degree. It was a lot of work, but I think it will be worth it. Now onto, well life I guess. It's going to be weird not being a student anymore.

That's it!

2008-05-16T13:15:06Z

After five long years, I have taken my last final and am now just waiting to graduate on Sunday. It almost doesn't feel real yet. I don't quite believe it.

What the hell...

2008-04-09T04:47:00Z

Okay, I know I haven't posted in forever, but what has recently happened just screams for a post. So as you all probably know, I am single-for-life and almost virtually dateless, and not by choice. So after 23+ years of this, I have gotten sick of it and am fishing around random dating sites, much to no avail. All the sites have various forms of what they call winks, which isn't a message, but lets you know that someone is interested in you. Well the good news is I have been getting winks, the bad news? They are all from guys who are either creepy, have no picture, old as dirt, or all of the above. Just today I got one from a man from California well into his 60's (whose profile read that he wasn't racist, but only dates whites) and then a man in his mid-40's. Sorry guys, but I am only 23 and want someone who doesn't want to eat dinner at 4 p.m. and is halfway normal. Speaking of creepy, the message below which I got the other day, takes the cake, it was entitled "What's up bud"...

"Hi! Brian, My name is Mark, and I live in faribault, its south of the twin cities. I grew up on a farm and right now Iam in the process of moving to the city. I want to sell and trade items from around the world as a business or private one. Right now Iam getting over a very troubling relationship with a guy who had a driking problem, I helped inspire him to go to treatment, and quit. He is really improving, but he decided that he does not want to be gay because his religion does not approve of that. He is from another country. I think he is mixed up in his own identity and does not want to come out of the closet because of fear that his family will reject him. I can understant this as I have felt the same way in the past, although I came out gradually, I think everyone already knew I was not straight. I was actually born Adrogynous, although I did not know what this mean back then. I was always attracted to strong males, and loved women as friends, but never had any attraction to them as far as sexually. All the time I was growing up, I was interested in anything and everything, I have had a very intense life of training and education, more than most people could imagine. When I was growing up I was always interested in having children, but I was always told that it was only women who could have them. Until I saw for the first time in my life a picture of a pregnant male, I thought it was just a trick of the camera, until I started looking up the subject on the internet, I was excited about it, as I have always dreamed of having children from my own body. I don't want to scare you away, so I will change the subject. Right now Iam looking for a male to date and have fun with, but also someone to spend my life with, also someone who doesn't mind having fun with other males also. Iam in the process of buying a house right now, Iam self-employed and do a number of things to bring in income. I have had a number of different jobs throughout my (short) life so I now how to do a lot of different things. I have a lot of energy and keep going all day most of the time. Do you like to work out? I have several memberships to different gyms, including the lifetime fitness in lakeville. I love to sit in the sauna, and swim, and run, and hike, and bike ride. I love the outdoors, as I grew up on a farm, I love animals, love to eat a lot, watch movies, listen to all kinds of music, have fun with friends, and make new ones. And also I love to read, and enjoy all kinds of tech things like music players, and laptops, cars, clothes. I also like jewlery for males. Your profile looked like the one I was attracted to, must be your hot nose, I have a thing for large noses, and hunky lips. What kind of music do you like? are you in a band? I was thinking about becoming a DJ sometime, for a radio station, I always wanted to do that. What are you interested in doing after you get out of school? If you are interested I would love to talk with you, and go out sometime, this my sound crazy but when I saw your picture I felt like I alreayd knew you, you are probably thinking he must say that to everyone, maybe, but I still feel like I know you. Would you like to go out to dinner sometime, we could go to the Hilton or red lobster or olive garden or TJ Fridays, or wherever your heart disires. I love to take people out to eat and give them gifts, do you like the mall of america? how bout a club in downtown Minneapolis? or a walk in the park? or a movie? Maybe a swim in a pool, or a long drive to Alaska, or a trip to the west coast for a walk on the beach. What would you like to do? Well it's getting late and Iam going to bed, so I will let you go, if you are interested in a fun and exciting time, not to mention dangerous and erotic at times, please feel free to suduce me as you please, just kidding! not! You look like a really attractive guy. Your smile is very appealing, you look like a very intelligent person. How do you like it at the U of M? That is really hot that you are going to college there. I was just driving by there the other day, I haven't been there in a long time, but I miss all of the intelligent people running around all over the place, they are interesting to talk to. I was at the Mall of America yesterday with some new friends that I met, and they had a annime convention, that was really bizare, although interesting. I have also been to a African restaruant in Minneapolis, Wow was that good food! Well let me know if you are still open to going out, I could be there anytime you want. One question though, are you looking for a sexual relationship also? Iam so let me know if that is appealing to you, I can all night and all day, no i'm not kidding, I have unending energy, seriously. Tomorrow I have to be in New brighten for a meeting at a company that Iam working with, so I gotta go get some sleep. I have been in the cities probably 10 times in the past week, so I go there a lot. Let me know what you get for vibes from me and this letter, and I'll wait for your response in my email. If you do email me please send it to XXXXXX so I will get it quicker. Ican send you pics from my cell for the most recent version of myself, the picture on the site is a long time ago, so I look different now.

Yours forever if you want,

Markus"

Okay, let's take this step-by-step and disect the uber creepiness that is this message. First of all, huge message, all one paragraph with horrible grammar. I could maybe get past this if they were at least interesting, but it is a negative in my book. Use good spelling, proper grammar, and actual paragraphs and you will get much farther with me.

First few sentences are okay, his business idea is kind of weird, but whatever. I can relate to growing up around farms and the like as well. Then all is blown by the fourth sentence. What is one thing you never do when first meeting/talking to someone who might be a potential love interest? That's right, don't mention your damn ex. Especially if said ex has/had a severe drinking problem, even if you "inspired" them to clean up, and ESPECIALLY if they flop back and forth between gay and not gay, because it doesn't bode well on you.

Okay, moving on. He goes from talk about the ex to talk about his coming out story. Kind of personal and might not be something I share with someone before really talking to them (besides the standard "Yes, I'm out and have been for this long."), but whatever. OH WAIT, you're androgynous? You want to have children of your own? And by have you mean you want to have them have them?!? I was a little thrown off at this one and I had to go back and re-read it several times. This crazy wants to carry his own children. But you don't want to scare me away with that tidbit so you are moving on? Too late.

He is self-employed and does a number of things to earn money aka he can't hold a job and gets money where he can, fucking fantastic. You don't help yourself by saying you have had a number of different jobs. But apparently you have enough money to have several gym memberships. Why the hell you would need memberships to several gyms instead of one like most people, only God knows.

Then he talks about his interests, all fine and dandy, whatever. Now comes the compliments. Usually they are appreciated and I kind of do appreciate the one about the lips because they are one of the few things on my body (the other being my hair) that I really like. But my big nose is hot?!? First of all, no one has ever told me my nose is big, and second of all, if they did, I sure as hell wouldn't take it as a compliment! Who wants a big nose? Now I am all paranoid that my nose is Grover-esque and it is bothering me. Thanks a lot douche bag.

Now, before ever talking to me, he wants to go out on a date, because apparently he already knows me through my picture. Sorry bub, but I only put the picture up that I did because it was the one I hated least of all the pictures of myself, so I hardly think you know me through it. I also would never go out with someone from the Internet without talking to them for a while. Going on a blind date that is through someone you know is fine, because at least they can vouch for the other person, but you have no one, so no way.

Then he starts throwing out date ideas. I promise you, the way to this man's heart is not through the Red Lobster. I'm not saying I need some really fancy restaurant or anything, but somewhere where we won't run into six year olds throwing crab legs around would be great. He also name-drops the Hilton, like it is the greatest place on earth. My head is starting to hurt at this point from his creepiness. His other ideas range from going to the mall to taking a trip to Alaska or the ocean, which just makes him seem even crazier.

Then he finally gets to where I knew he was going, the sex part. There are many a gay men that I have met that are all about the sex, but for me, it isn't as important. Don't get me wrong, it is important, but I want it to be with someone I care about versus some random dude or worse, Crazy McCreeperson here. Then more random talk about how we can meet up, more sex, more compliments that now just seem creepy, oh, and his pictures are old so he looks different now (aka uglier), great. And we're done.

So this has been really long, but I haven't posted in probably a year or more, so just get over it. What am I doing wrong? Does everyone attract these creepy people? Where can I meet a decent guy? Just one nice date would be fantastic. Any suggestions?

Sucktacular

2007-05-24T15:16:58Z

Well that was a disappointment! I get home from meeting one of my political idols, all high on life, excited to watch the American Idol finale on my TiVo, but it was two hours of almost pure suck. I don't even care who won. This is what they give me after all those countless hours watching their show? Forget them!

Random gibberish

2007-05-13T02:39:09Z

So, as usual, I haven't updated this thing in forever, but oh well. I am currently into hour 14 of 16 at work on a Saturday of all days. I like my job I guess, but these weekends SUCK. I work pretty much every weekend and most Saturdays are much like this one, where I have no time for anything but work. But I applied for a full-time position here that is during normal business hours, so hopefully I'll get that, along with my weekends back and a (much) bigger paycheck.

What else, what else. My semester is over with and it feels great. I think it will turn out to be my best semester grade-wise and now I only have four classes left to take before I finally get my BA in Political Science (concentration in Citizenship and Civic Action) and a minor in Social Justice (oh how I wish you could be my major). I enjoyed my courses this semester for once as well. My academic interests are constantly evolving and I have become increasingly interesting in systematic social change/movements, issues of identity and class, and a variety of other things, but I won't get on my soapbox ... this time.

Summer plans include getting in shape (this seems to be a summer plan every summer, but maybe this will be the one), working, hopefully a little camping, reading (political/progressive/social change stuff), a trip down to Atlanta for the U.S. Social Forum, and a trip to San Diego to visit family/friends if I can swing it (only need about 4,000 more frequent flier miles for a free plane ticket!).

Lately I have been thinking about the future, trying to figure out where this path I am on is going to take me. What I am afraid of is that I will not live the life I want to, that I will take a cop-out and become someone who I do not want to be. I have these strong passions and beliefs and I want to live my life accordingly, but we'll see where this crazy ride takes me. I'm still learning so much about myself, who I am, where I stand on things, where I want to go. It is a never ending journey of discovering, and while a little disconcerting at times, it is exciting.

I guess that's it for now. This whole thing was probably a bore for all of you, but it did me some good, so there. I want to update more, especially now that I have the time, but we'll see.

Most annoying ad EVER!

2007-02-05T13:25:22Z

Okay, so I am not even going to begin to address the problem of advertising and consumerism in this country, not gonna do it. What I am going to do is bitch about this stupid Internet ad. I was on MySpace as part of my traditional things to check when I hop on the Net in the morning and all of the sudden LANDSLIDE! These big boulder looking things start falling down my screen and fill up 85% of EVERYTHING! WHAT THE HELL?!? I hate the ads that move over content, but usually it is just a little chunk, not the whole freaking screen. Enough already! I tried to get it to do it again so I could take a screenshot of this ad for nowwhat.com (Which is for State Farm Insurance of all things), but I guess I am not that special. What is this world coming to?

WTF?!?

2007-02-03T13:21:13Z

So the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change of the United Nations put out the results of a study today that pretty much says unequivocally that global warming exists and that we need to do something to stop it (but in typical UN and bureaucratic fashion, they don't recommend what we do). ANYHOW, in the New York Times article, this is how our own secretary from the U.S. Department of Energy sees it...

"At the same time, Secretary of Energy Samuel Bodman rejected the idea of unilateral limits on emissions. 'We are a small contributor to the overall, when you look at the rest of the world, so it’s really got to be a global solution,' he said."

SMALL CONTRIBUTOR?!? Are you on fucking crack? The United States, as the article later explains (but does nothing to criticize this outlandish remark) that this country has 5 percent of the overall global population but an outstanding 25 percent of the overall greenhouse gas emissions comes from us, more than any other country! Now I agree it has to be a global solution, but fucking take some responsibility instead of always trying to protect your corporate interests. This is exactly the kind of bullshit this country doesn't need. We are a huge part of the problem and we need to go about fixing it. So Bush and his goons need to forget about their relationships with big oil and industry, hell the entire corporate world and focus on saving this damn planet. Enough said!

R.I.P.

2006-09-10T15:11:15Z

Johnathan L. Benson
1985-Sept. 9, 2006
A great soldier, man and friend
Rest in peace buddy

Hilarious!

2006-08-22T01:54:53Z

Came across this on CollegeHumor.com (yeah, I'm bored):

Apparently Wal-Mart is a classy place now. Fooled me.

Just a general update

2006-08-15T03:20:57Z

Hey folks, haven't done a general update in a while, so here it comes, bulleted style

Moving on Sept. 3 to the Lake Calhoun area, drop on by if you want to help.
I've come out to almost all of my friends and they have all been really cool, woo hoo!
I lost a dear friend today, my favorite pair of flip-flops. They were with me for going on three years and now my feet will feel forever naked without them. Rest in peace.
I am still single (no real surprise there).
I am not looking forward to school starting in three weeks, with the exception of Ballroom Dancing and perhaps my independent study class.
I am working up the will power to return to the gym and get rid of this excess baggage once and for all.

Umm, yeah. I think that's it.

13 Generations

2006-07-31T05:45:17Z

That's how far back I have traced back my family history so far, at least for the Stetson side. It is crazy, 13 generations, that streches all the way back to the 1500's and back to England. That means I know who my great great great great great great great great great great great grandparents were, beat that. Although, according to my calculations, everyone has 2,048 sets of great x 11 grandparents, so I have a lot more research to do. Yay for the Internet and software that lets me create family trees!

A moment of silence if you will...

2006-07-15T23:47:08Z

Ladies and gentlemen, let us have a moment of silence in memory of 2301 University Ave SE, better known as the home of The Minnesota Daily, the best damn newspaper ever, for the past decade. She served as my home away from home for the past three years and did it well. May she rest in pieces.

Because I'm bored...

2006-07-08T20:54:48Z

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.	× I don't watch much TV these days.	× I own lots of books. (I wouldn't say lots, but a decent amount.)
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses. (And I hate them.)	× I love to play video games. (They're okay.)	× I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies. (Who hasn't?)	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. (I hate liars.)
✓ I curse sometimes. (Maybe too much.)	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

* * * * *

× I have broken someone's bones.	× I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.	× I hate the rain.
✓ I'm paranoid at times.	✓ I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (Why not?)	✓ I need/want money right now.
× I love sushi.	× I talk really, really fast.	× I have fresh breath in the morning.
× I have long hair.	× I have lost money in Las Vegas.	✓ I have at least one sibling. (Four sisters and a brother.)
× I was born in a country outside of the U.S.	✓ I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past. (But only as part of a Halloween costume.)	× I couldn't survive without Caller I.D. (I guess I could, but it is nice.)
× I like the way that I look.	✓ I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months. (Well not exactly lying, but not exactly telling the truth...)	× I am usually pessimistic.
× I have a lot of mood swings.	× I think prostitution should be legalized.	× I slept with a roommate.
× I have a hidden talent.	× I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.	✓ I have a lot of friends.
× I have pecked someone of the same sex.	✓ I enjoy talking on the phone.	× I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
✓ I love to shop and/or window shop.	× I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.	× I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
✓ I have a mobile phone.	✓ I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. (On my 21st birthday. I am never, EVER getting that drunk again.)	✓ I've rejected someone before.
× I currently like/love someone.	× I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.	✓ I want to have children in the future. (Two sons, no daughters.)
✓ I have changed a diaper before.	× I've called the cops on a friend before.	× I'm not allergic to anything.
✓ I have a lot to learn.	× I am shy around the opposite sex.	× I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
✓ I have at least 5 away messages saved.	× I have tried alcohol or drugs before.	× I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
× I own the "South Park" movie.	× I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.	× I enjoy some country music.
✓ I would die for my best friends.	✓ I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.	× I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
× I think Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.	× I have dated a close friend's ex.	× I am happy at this moment.
✓ I'm obsessed with guys. (Well maybe not obsessed, but close.)	✓ Democrat.	× Republican.
✓ I don't even know what I am.	× I am punk rockish.	× I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
× I study for tests most of the time.	× I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.	✓ I can work on a car. (If changing fluids/filters counts, sure.)
× I love my job(s).	× I am comfortable with who I am right now.	× I have more than just my ears pierced.
× I walk barefoot wherever I can.	× I have jumped off a bridge.	× I love sea turtles.
× I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.	✓ I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.	× I am proficient on a musical instrument.
× I hate office jobs.	× I went to college out of state.	× I am adopted.
× I am a pyro.	× I have thrown up from crying too much.	✓ I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
× I fall for the worst people.	× I adore bright colours.	× I usually like covers better than originals.
✓ I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.	✓ I can pick up things with my toes.	× I can't whistle.
✓ I have ridden/owned a horse.	× I still have every journal I've ever written in.	✓ I talk in my sleep. (Only a little and only once in a while.)
✓ I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century. (The future is where it's at baby.)	× I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.	× I wear a toe ring.
× I have a tattoo.	✓ I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.	× I am a caffeine junkie.
× I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.	× If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.	× I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
× I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.	× I'm an artist.	× I am ambidextrous.
× I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.	× If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.	× I have terrible teeth.
× I hate my toes.	✓ I did this meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.	× I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
× I have lived in either three different states or countries.	× I am extremely flexible.	× I love hugs more than kisses.
× I want to own my own business.	× I smoke.	✓ I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
× Nobody has ever said I'm normal.	✓ Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.	× I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
× I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.	✓ I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.	✓ I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
× I have played strip poker with someone else before.	× I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.	× I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
× I can't stand being alone.	× I have at least one obsession at any given time.	× I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
× I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.	× I'm a judgmental asshole.	× I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
✓ I have travelled on more than one continent. (North America and Europe.)	× I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.	× I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
× I am a Libertarian.	✓ I can speak more than one language. (Ein bischen Deutsch and un poco Espanol.)	× I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
× I would rather read than watch TV. (Depends on my mood.)	✓ I like reading fact more than fiction.	✓ I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do. (More than once too.)
× I have no piercings.	× I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.	× I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
× I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.	× There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.	× I like most animals better than most people.
× I own a collection of retro games consoles.	× The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.	× I have hit someone with a dead fish.
✓ I am compulsively honest.	× I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.	× I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
× I have gone from wishing I was a girl to revelling in being a boy to feeling like a girl again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.	× I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.	× I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
× I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.	× I dislike milk.	× I obsessively wash my hands.
✓ I always carry something significant around with me.	× Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.	✓ I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
× Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.	× I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.	✓ I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
× I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time.	× Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed.	× I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
× I do not 'get' most comedy acts.	✓ I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.	× I don't like to chew gum.
× I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.	× I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car.	× I had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
✓ I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.	× I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.	✓ I love to sing. (Just wish I was better at it.)
× I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.	× I have a custom-built computer.	✓ I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it.
× I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.	× I've gone skinny-dipping.	× I've performed in three plays.
✓ I enjoy burritos.	✓ I'm Irish and loving it. (Why not?)	× I have a thing for redheads.
× I am a twin!	× Most of the times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.	× Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.
✓ I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.	× I sleep more than 12 hours a day.	✓ I wish I could be prouder of what I've accomplished, but it's never enough.
✓ I need more time to myself.	× I wish I was more open-minded.	× I hope that I go really prematurely grey.
× I download songs from the internet.	× I've just reenacted chapter 58 of Death Note with my best friend.	✓ I say random things to freak people out.
× I'm still a little mad about the ending of Death Note.	× I love playing Truth or Dare.	× I love listening to slow music, but I hate singing to it.
✓ Music helps me remember that I am not alone.	✓ Playing my favorite sport makes me temporarily forget my problems.	✓ I think this survey is particularly long.
× I prefer my LJ friends to my real-life ones.	× I can only hate someone that I love.	× I've ordered an extra two shots of espresso to an Americano at Starbucks.

R.I.P.

2006-05-05T17:33:00Z

R.I.P.

Riker 1998-2006
All he knew was love...

Because Nancy likes surveys

2006-04-26T03:34:20Z

10 Firsts
First Best Friend: Jeremy Whaley
First Screenname: It's kind of embarrassing, but cptpicard4.
First Pet Name: The first one I remember and that was "mine" was a Cocker Spaniel named Samantha. She was the best dog in the whole world.
First Piercing: The only one I have, in my cartilage. I got it last summer.
First Crush: Amber in preschool. She was my girlfriend.
First CD: I believe it was either the Armageddon soundtrack or Puff Daddy & the Family
First School: Some church affiliated preschool in Escondido, CA.
First House: One on Persimmon Lane in Valley Center, CA.
First Kiss: During a game of spin the bottle freshman year of high school with a girl named Emily.
First Car: 1989 Dodge Dynasty

9 Lasts
Last Time You Drank: I had a drink of water about a minute ago. Last time I had alcohol was a glass of champagne at Jake's wedding on Saturday.
Last Food You Ate: CHIPOTLE!!! (Tacos and chips/guacamole)
Last Car Ride: A girl from class gave me a ride back to work about an hour and a half ago.
Last Movie You Watched: Hmmmm, watched part of some dumb Eddie Murphy movie on Comedy Central a few nights ago.
Last Phone Call: Attempted to call Jake, got voicemail.
Last CD You Listened To: Jamie Cullum's "Catching Tales"
Last Bubble Bath You Took: Um, I honestly can't remember.
Last Song You Listened To: Something by Sheryl Crow in my friend's car. I think it was the "I Will Remember You" one.
Last Words You Said: "No, but he looked just like you."

8 Have-You-Evers
Dated A Best Friend: No.
Been Arrested: No.
Been On TV: Not that I can remember.
Eaten Sushi: Yeah, it wasn't horrible, but wasn't great.
Cheated On A Test: Not on anything major.
Been On A Blind Date: No.
Been Out Of The Country: Yup, Mexico, Germany, Czech Republic, Holland, Switzerland and Austria
Been In Love: Kind of, it's complicated.

7 Things You Are Wearing
1. Shoes
2. Socks
3. Jeans
4. My favorite orange boxers
5. Belt
6. Brown polo shirt
7. Undershirt

6 Things You've Done Today
1. Worked
2. Went to class
3. Rode a bus
4. Had film developed
5. Had lunch with my mom
6. Drove

5 Favorite Things
1. Playing tennis
2. Helping people
3. My friends
4. Summer
5. Traveling

4 Favorite Smells
1. A canister of freshly-opened tennis balls
2. Those nostalgic smells that might not be pleasing all on their own, but that bring back memories
3. The smell of the air just after it has rained
4. The ocean

3 Favorite Names (in the order that I would name my sons if I had them)
1. Jacob
2. Bradin
3. Ethan

2 Choices
Vanilla or Chocolate: Hmmmm, both. Depends on the food.
Hugs or Kisses: The candy? Kisses. The physical stuff? Both.

1 Thing You Want To Do Right Now
1. Go home.

And some pictures...

2006-04-25T14:02:10Z

Here are a few pictures from the wedding... :-) It almost makes me want to get married.

The bride and groom (Jake and Jennell)

Jake, Joe, and me! I know, my hair is a mess, it looked better earlier in the day. And my face is fat, but oh well.

Cody (who looks like he is about to rape or eat somebody) on the left and Derek on the right.

And last, but not least, a heart made of lights (a little distorted though) on one of the ski runs at Wild Mountain
where the reception was at. It took us half an hour to do that, but it turned out pretty damn good. Love ... aww.

An update of sorts

2006-04-24T20:21:51Z

So I am sick of homework as usual, so I figured I might as well update my LiveJournal which I have neglected for quite some time. I don't even remember what I wrote about last, so I'm going to check. Ah yes, 'twas a survey. So what has gone on in my life over the past few weeks? It has been mostly uneventful, just school and work, but Jake and Jennell did get married on Saturday. Yup, married. The whole thing went perfectly and it was an awesome ceremony and reception. I couldn't feel more honored to have been part of it all. I was a groomsman, and I must say, I love wearing a tux. Perhaps I'll post some pictures later when I get them.

But anywho, it was really a great and emotional day. Jake and Jennell really enjoyed my gift, so all the hours I put into it were worth it. I gave a speech at the wedding too. I've never spoken in front of 300+ people before or really with a microphone for that matter, so it was a little scary and I screwed up a bit, but I said what I wanted to say and Jake and Jennell really liked it, so all is well. Oh, and I caught the garter belt. Second wedding in a row I've done this at, so who wants to marry me?

That is all.

Because I can

2006-04-11T13:55:20Z

*Questions you probably haven't answered before!*
What song are you listening to?:	None, but for some reason "Sexual Healing" just popped into my head ... now what does that say about me?
Why do you like that song?:	The fact that it talks about sexual healing, oh and the "heeeyyyy baabby"
What did your last incoming text message say?:	Well it's from Jake (95% of my text messages are from him for some reason) and it says: "Will do. I think there is an indoor gun range there too. Not sure or know cost, but that'd be fun too." And before any of you say ANYTHING, he is kind of a redneck and we are going out Saturday and doing whatever the hell he wants because it is his last weekend as a single man.
Look at your received call list. Who is number 5?:	Emily from work
Did you answer?:	Yes
Who did you last talk to on aim?:	My brother Alex
Do you ever wish you were a different race, and if so, what?:	Have never really thought about it
Would you date someone of another race?:	I think so
Do hobos frighten you?:	Not especially, but if they are frothing from the mouth or spouting gibberish, perhaps.
What's the most you have ever spent in the crane toy machines?:	I never play them, but I'd give a friend a buck or two purely for entertainment purposes
What color are your shoelaces?:	On the shoes I wear most? Brown
If you could live anywhere, where would it be?:	Oooooo, good question. I would have to say San Diego, but I'd also like to live in a variety of other places, at least for a little while.
How much do you hate G.W. Bush on a scale of 1-10?:	With 1 being highest or 10?
When is the last time you were in a hospital?:	For myself? I had to go to the clinic in the hospital just for a checkup a few months ago.
Why were you there?:	I was sick.
What is the most painful piercing you have had?:	Only have one and it didn't hurt.
Why do you take these surveys?:	Because it is better than doing homework.
Are you a member of the mile high club?:	I can barely fit in those damn bathrooms by myself so I don't see how that would work, but it would be kinky. I would feel sorry for the poor fool who sits next to the bathroom though.
Would you ever pick up a hitchhiker?:	Hmmmmmm, maybe, but probably not. Depends on who I'm with.
Would you ever hitchhike?:	Probably not
Have you ever cried after one of your favorite sports teams lost a game?:	No
Would you marry a 90-year-old billionaire?:	Can they just give me their money instead?
Would you cut off one of your fingers for the perfect body?:	I like my fucking fingers, thank you very much.
What about a toe?:	Hmmmm, now that I could be interested in. But then how could I wear flip-flops?
Is there really :	Hmmm, is there?
Have you ever kept a fortune from a Chinese fortune cookie?:	Yup
Have you ever told a lover that they were good in bed, when they were not?:	Well I've never had a lover, so I haven't had the chance, but that would depend on how much they suck. If it sucked so bad it just hurt, then probably not.
Would you jump into a lake to save a stranger?:	IFo shizzle nizzle.
Do you think your life story would make a great movie?:	Meh, probably not.
What T.V. show world would you fit right into?:	Hmmmmm, hmmmmmm, I'd like to say American Idol because I have an incredible singing voice, but we all know that is a lie.
What was the sweetest thing a guy/girl did for you?:	Hmmmm ... donno
What is your social status?(i.e:prep, clown, goth..)(I'm a moron):	A hot piece of ass
What is your favorite quote?:	I love way too many quotes to answer this, but here are five... "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." - Henry David Thoreau "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." - Ralph Waldo Emerson "When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy." - Anonymous "The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit." - Nelson Henderson "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - MLK "An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come." - Victor Hugo "Some men see things as they are and ask, 'Why?' I dream things that never were and ask, 'Why not?' ." - RFK "'He means well' is useless unless he does well." - Plautus "Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world." - George B. Shaw "It is good to have an end to journey toward, but it is the journey that matters in the end." - Ursula K. LeGuin "The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live." - Joan Borysenko "What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us." - Oliver W. Holmes "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." - Anonymous "The ends must justify the means." - Matthew Prior "They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel." - Carl W. Buechner "Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known." - Carl Sagan "There is no way to peace; peace is the way." - A. J. Muste "Progress lies not in enhancing what is, but in advancing toward what will be." - Kahlil Gibran "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss." - Jonathan Larson "The soul that is within me no man can degrade." - Frederick Douglas "Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value." - Albert Einstein "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime." - Chinese Proverb "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent." - John Donne "The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money." - Anonymous "The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing." - Socrates 5, 26, who's counting anyways? I told you I love quotes.
Are you high maintenance?:	I can be at times.
Do you frequent Wal-mart/ any other 24 hr. store at all hours of the night?:	I try to avoid Wal-Mart as much as possible.
What's the last pill you've taken?:	Hmmmm, probably an Advil or something, I really can't remember
Would you rather be in a room with Micheal Jackson or a rattlesnake?:	Michael Jackson, at least I know he can't kill me.
Have you ever gone to a bookstore a 12am to buy the next Harry Potter book?:	Ummm, no, hell no.
Have you ever been so bored that you counted cracks in the walls?:	Can't say that I have
If your eyes could be any color, what color would they be?:	A ravishing shade of blue. A shade so ravishing that when you look into those pools of liquid blue your heart melts and you are taken to another dimension.
Do you read while you eat?:	I have, but not usually.
What's the weirdest combination of food you've ever eaten?:	Hmmmm, off the top of my head sweet and sour sauce with french fries is pretty tasty.
Were you pregnant or pmsing when eating it?:	You know it. I can be a raving biatch when I am PMSing, so watch out.
How long does it usually take you to drink a glass of beverage?:	I'm a fast eater/drinker so usually not long at all. At a sit-down restaurant I go through at least twice as many glasses as everyone else. I like my liquids.
What did you want to be when you were in kindergarten?:	Hmmmmm, I think a scientist.
What do you want to be now?:	A humanitarian.
What's worse, a papercut or a big gash in your finger?:	Ummm a fucking big ass gash.
What is your favorite movie, and why?:	Hmmm, I can never narrow this one down, but I love "I am Sam" because it makes you examine yourself, "Finding Neverland" because it shows the true power of imagination, and "Ghandi" because it is fucking Ghandi.
Grab the book closest to you. Look at page 18. What is the fifth sentence?:	(From "Imprisoned Intellectuals") "Although they fought for a more inclusive democracy, centralized, nondemocratic decision making -- steeped in either patriarchal politics or a Leninist model of democratic centralism -- was routinely practiced by Martlin Luther King, Jr.'s Southern Christian Leadership Conference (SCLC), Macolm X's Nation of Islam (from which he was expelled in 1963-1964), Angela Davis's Communist Party USA (CPUSA) (from which she was expelled in 1991), and Huey P. Newton's faction of the Black Panther Party." Wow ... long sentence.
Have you ever read a life changing book? What was it? What was so special?:	Hmmmm, books make me change the way I think, so I would say all of them, but not one that stands out by itself, no.
Ever watched a life changing movie? What was it? What was so special?:	I would have to say my three favorite movies above, but especially "Ghandi" just because it shows the true power of the human race.
If you could change your name, what would it be?:	Hmmmmm, I have kind of grown attached to my name, but if I could change it to anything it would probably be "His Majesty King Jonathan Paul Leonard Fitzpatrick Alexander Fleming XXIV"
When you were afraid of the dark, what was the creature that haunted you?:	A robber or murderer
What is your favorite cartoon from the 1980's?:	TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
1990's?:	TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
2000's?:	TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (but not that new shit)
What song comforts you when you are sad?:	I don't like this question.
What song enhances your happiness?:	Or this one.
What song can make you cry?:	Or this one.
What song do you listen to when angry?:	Or this one.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2006-03-28T15:01:45Z

So yeah, all nighters suck a lot, and by a lot, I mean A LOT. I had two papers I delayed on that are due today, they aren't quite done yet, but I'll be okay now, it is just going to be a long day. Next time I procrastinate this much, somebody please shoot me.

myrandomness @ 2006-03-07T23:29:00

2006-03-08T05:56:04Z

So my dad is going to a quasi-nursing home tomorrow morning and leaving our house forever. It is the right thing to do, but it is really, really hard at the same time. I don't feel like writing much, but I think this song pretty much explains it. The person occupying my dad's body really isn't my dad anymore, but I know that he lives on somewhere, if not just in our memories. Oh, and I slightly modified the lyrics, but whatever.

Hello Again -- Tommy Lee

There's so much to say to you from here
Is this transmission coming in clearly
Do you hear me?
Yeah

The paper has been peeling off the walls
Give it a year, 'til it all falls, 'til it all falls
Yeah

Hello again, hello there
It's been so long
And this place is not the same without you
Hello (hello, hello) hello there
It's been so long
And the colors all turn gray without you

And so far
There's nothing I can do to not remember
To not remember, you're so loved
And so far (so far away)
I've been living underground to keep the day out
To keep the day out (you're so loved)

Hello again, hello there
It's been so long
And this place is not the same without you
Hello (hello, hello) hello there
It's been so long
And the colors all turn gray without you

I've been wandering the halls
(I've been wandering the halls)
This place is quiet as a church
As a church
Ooh, ooh, oooh

Hello again, hello there
It's been so long
It's been so long

Hello again, hello there
It's been so long
And this place is not the same without you
Hello (hello, hello) hello there
It's been so long
And it's so nice to see you... again
Hello again, where have you been?

Hello again, hello there

The news of the decade, nay the century!

2006-03-07T15:16:17Z

The one, the only John YANNI Christopher has been arrested for an alleged domestic dispute. Yes we are talking about THE Yanni. The one my soon-to-be 50-year-old Mom goes crazy over. I don't not know why, but I am thouroughly enjoying this moment.

Just one question Yanni ... WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR MUSTACHE?!?

Crazy crazy

2006-02-28T07:48:25Z

So things have been a little nuts lately, lots of work and lots of school work makes for a generally unhappy Brian, but thanks to a friend who shall remain nameless, I am feeling better about myself. It'll be a long road, but we'll see where it takes me. So, friend, thanks.

Oh, and most of you will be totally confused by all of this, but that's okay. I know what I am talking about and that's all that matters.

Oh woe is me

2006-02-20T18:41:39Z

So the last few weeks have been extremely stressful, tiring, and disheartening. There is just WAY too much shit going on right now and I don't know how to handle it all. Going to school full time and working full time is starting to wear down on me and I am not really sure what to do. It's getting to the point where I am about to lose all control. I am losing sight of myself and what I really want because I have all of these damn obligations. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and my family, and I want to finish my degree, but lately I have been really tempted to just live life. This academic stuff isn't for me, writing papers and such. What good is it doing? I just want to scream. If I had a little more balls I would just pick up and go somewhere for a while, but I don't, so I am stuck and I hate being stuck.

To top it all off I can't seem to focus on anything. Like right now I am delaying doing a paper that I have had for a while that is due tomorrow that I just started this morning. What the fuck am I thinking? What the fuck is wrong with me? I can't wait for spring break and I can't wait for the summer. I don't even know who I am anymore or what I am doing. ARGH.

:-)

2006-02-09T13:33:57Z

Well that is the nicest wake-up call ever. My 6-year-old niece Becca called me and woke me up to say "Happy Birthday." A good way to start the day.