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Failure [Aug. 4th, 2008|06:32 pm]
[Current Mood |angryangry]
[Current Music |"Goodbye" by Hootie & the Blowfish]

As I am packing up my place yet again, I can't help but feel like I have failed. In just under two weeks I am moving back to live with my family because I cannot afford to live on my own, pay my credit card debt, and then have to pay my student loans come December. I was going through some boxes I had kept packed from moving last time and it just has me upset. I share a kitchen at my current place so I kept most of my kitchen stuff packed away. Well, when I move back to North Branch, that stuff is going into storage, so I am taking inventory. I realized as I was going through it that the past five years haven't just been about getting an education, but about building a life for myself and now that is all going to hell.

I finally get my degree. This is supposed to be the time where things start going my way and that I really strike out into the world on my own, but instead, I am being forced into living with my family in North Branch, the last place I want to live. It's not that I don't like my family, I do, it just feels like I am bringing myself back to a place I thought I had gotten past.

I know this is largely my own fault. I was stupid with credit cards and have gotten myself into a bad situation and a large part of going back home is to cut down on expenses so I can get myself out of this situation, but it still sucks. I want to feel like I can succeed on my own, and this isn't helping. If my family lived in Minneapolis, maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but North Branch has absolutely nothing going on. Small towns aren't my think anymore. Sure, I'll get to see a few friends more, but I am going to be isolating myself from all my friends down here.

Being gay in a small town doesn't help either. I haven't had a date in over a fucking year and that isn't even saying much because I have hardly dated. Now it is going to be way more difficult to not only meet someone (gay population of North Branch pretty much equals me), but to have any semblance of a social life. Who wants to date someone that is not only about an hour away, but lives with their mom? ARGH, I am so fucking sick of being single. I am not saying I want a relationship tomorrow, but a date here and there with the possibility of it developing into something would be nice.

I spent time today figuring out how to get myself out of this mess and I am going to do it as quickly as possible. This isn't where I envisioned my life being a few years ago and I'll be damned if it is going to stay this way.
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That's (really) it! [May. 19th, 2008|09:32 pm]
I am officially the first person in my immediate family to earn a four-year college degree. It was a lot of work, but I think it will be worth it. Now onto, well life I guess. It's going to be weird not being a student anymore.
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That's it! [May. 16th, 2008|08:11 am]
[Current Mood |ecstaticecstatic]

After five long years, I have taken my last final and am now just waiting to graduate on Sunday. It almost doesn't feel real yet. I don't quite believe it.
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What the hell... [Apr. 8th, 2008|11:19 pm]
[Current Mood |irritatedirritated]

Okay, I know I haven't posted in forever, but what has recently happened just screams for a post. So as you all probably know, I am single-for-life and almost virtually dateless, and not by choice. So after 23+ years of this, I have gotten sick of it and am fishing around random dating sites, much to no avail. All the sites have various forms of what they call winks, which isn't a message, but lets you know that someone is interested in you. Well the good news is I have been getting winks, the bad news? They are all from guys who are either creepy, have no picture, old as dirt, or all of the above. Just today I got one from a man from California well into his 60's (whose profile read that he wasn't racist, but only dates whites) and then a man in his mid-40's. Sorry guys, but I am only 23 and want someone who doesn't want to eat dinner at 4 p.m. and is halfway normal. Speaking of creepy, the message below which I got the other day, takes the cake, it was entitled "What's up bud"...

 "Hi! Brian, My name is Mark, and I live in faribault, its south of the twin cities. I grew up on a farm and right now Iam in the process of moving to the city. I want to sell and trade items from around the world as a business or private one. Right now Iam getting over a very troubling relationship with a guy who had a driking problem, I helped inspire him to go to treatment, and quit. He is really improving, but he decided that he does not want to be gay because his religion does not approve of that. He is from another country. I think he is mixed up in his own identity and does not want to come out of the closet because of fear that his family will reject him. I can understant this as I have felt the same way in the past, although I came out gradually, I think everyone already knew I was not straight. I was actually born Adrogynous, although I did not know what this mean back then. I was always attracted to strong males, and loved women as friends, but never had any attraction to them as far as sexually. All the time I was growing up, I was interested in anything and everything, I have had a very intense life of training and education, more than most people could imagine. When I was growing up I was always interested in having children, but I was always told that it was only women who could have them. Until I saw for the first time in my life a picture of a pregnant male, I thought it was just a trick of the camera, until I started looking up the subject on the internet, I was excited about it, as I have always dreamed of having children from my own body. I don't want to scare you away, so I will change the subject. Right now Iam looking for a male to date and have fun with, but also someone to spend my life with, also someone who doesn't mind having fun with other males also. Iam in the process of buying a house right now, Iam self-employed and do a number of things to bring in income. I have had a number of different jobs throughout my (short) life so I now how to do a lot of different things. I have a lot of energy and keep going all day most of the time. Do you like to work out? I have several memberships to different gyms, including the lifetime fitness in lakeville. I love to sit in the sauna, and swim, and run, and hike, and bike ride. I love the outdoors, as I grew up on a farm, I love animals, love to eat a lot, watch movies, listen to all kinds of music, have fun with friends, and make new ones. And also I love to read, and enjoy all kinds of tech things like music players, and laptops, cars, clothes. I also like jewlery for males. Your profile looked like the one I was attracted to, must be your hot nose, I have a thing for large noses, and hunky lips. What kind of music do you like? are you in a band? I was thinking about becoming a DJ sometime, for a radio station, I always wanted to do that. What are you interested in doing after you get out of school? If you are interested I would love to talk with you, and go out sometime, this my sound crazy but when I saw your picture I felt like I alreayd knew you, you are probably thinking he must say that to everyone, maybe, but I still feel like I know you. Would you like to go out to dinner sometime, we could go to the Hilton or red lobster or olive garden or TJ Fridays, or wherever your heart disires. I love to take people out to eat and give them gifts, do you like the mall of america? how bout a club in downtown Minneapolis? or a walk in the park? or a movie? Maybe a swim in a pool, or a long drive to Alaska, or a trip to the west coast for a walk on the beach. What would you like to do? Well it's getting late and Iam going to bed, so I will let you go, if you are interested in a fun and exciting time, not to mention dangerous and erotic at times, please feel free to suduce me as you please, just kidding! not! You look like a really attractive guy. Your smile is very appealing, you look like a very intelligent person. How do you like it at the U of M? That is really hot that you are going to college there. I was just driving by there the other day, I haven't been there in a long time, but I miss all of the intelligent people running around all over the place, they are interesting to talk to. I was at the Mall of America yesterday with some new friends that I met, and they had a annime convention, that was really bizare, although interesting. I have also been to a African restaruant in Minneapolis, Wow was that good food! Well let me know if you are still open to going out, I could be there anytime you want. One question though, are you looking for a sexual relationship also? Iam so let me know if that is appealing to you, I can all night and all day, no i'm not kidding, I have unending energy, seriously. Tomorrow I have to be in New brighten for a meeting at a company that Iam working with, so I gotta go get some sleep. I have been in the cities probably 10 times in the past week, so I go there a lot. Let me know what you get for vibes from me and this letter, and I'll wait for your response in my email. If you do email me please send it to XXXXXX so I will get it quicker. Ican send you pics from my cell for the most recent version of myself, the picture on the site is a long time ago, so I look different now.

Yours forever if you want,


Okay, let's take this step-by-step and disect the uber creepiness that is this message. First of all, huge message, all one paragraph with horrible grammar. I could maybe get past this if they were at least interesting, but it is a negative in my book. Use good spelling, proper grammar, and actual paragraphs and you will get much farther with me.

First few sentences are okay, his business idea is kind of weird, but whatever. I can relate to growing up around farms and the like as well. Then all is blown by the fourth sentence. What is one thing you never do when first meeting/talking to someone who might be a potential love interest? That's right, don't mention your damn ex. Especially if said ex has/had a severe drinking problem, even if you "inspired" them to clean up, and ESPECIALLY if they flop back and forth between gay and not gay, because it doesn't bode well on you.

Okay, moving on. He goes from talk about the ex to talk about his coming out story. Kind of personal and might not be something I share with someone before really talking to them (besides the standard "Yes, I'm out and have been for this long."), but whatever. OH WAIT, you're androgynous? You want to have children of your own? And by have you mean you want to have them have them?!? I was a little thrown off at this one and I had to go back and re-read it several times. This crazy wants to carry his own children. But you don't want to scare me away with that tidbit so you are moving on? Too late.

He is self-employed and does a number of things to earn money aka he can't hold a job and gets money where he can, fucking fantastic. You don't help yourself by saying you have had a number of different jobs. But apparently you have enough money to have several gym memberships. Why the hell you would need memberships to several gyms instead of one like most people, only God knows.

Then he talks about his interests, all fine and dandy, whatever. Now comes the compliments. Usually they are appreciated and I kind of do appreciate the one about the lips because they are one of the few things on my body (the other being my hair) that I really like. But my big nose is hot?!? First of all, no one has ever told me my nose is big, and second of all, if they did, I sure as hell wouldn't take it as a compliment! Who wants a big nose? Now I am all paranoid that my nose is Grover-esque and it is bothering me. Thanks a lot douche bag.

Now, before ever talking to me, he wants to go out on a date, because apparently he already knows me through my picture. Sorry bub, but I only put the picture up that I did because it was the one I hated least of all the pictures of myself, so I hardly think you know me through it. I also would never go out with someone from the Internet without talking to them for a while. Going on a blind date that is through someone you know is fine, because at least they can vouch for the other person, but you have no one, so no way.

Then he starts throwing out date ideas. I promise you, the way to this man's heart is not through the Red Lobster. I'm not saying I need some really fancy restaurant or anything, but somewhere where we won't run into six year olds throwing crab legs around would be great. He also name-drops the Hilton, like it is the greatest place on earth. My head is starting to hurt at this point from his creepiness. His other ideas range from going to the mall to taking a trip to Alaska or the ocean, which just makes him seem even crazier.

Then he finally gets to where I knew he was going, the sex part. There are many a gay men that I have met that are all about the sex, but for me, it isn't as important. Don't get me wrong, it is important, but I want it to be with someone I care about versus some random dude or worse, Crazy McCreeperson here. Then more random talk about how we can meet up, more sex, more compliments that now just seem creepy, oh, and his pictures are old so he looks different now (aka uglier), great. And we're done.

So this has been really long, but I haven't posted in probably a year or more, so just get over it. What am I doing wrong? Does everyone attract these creepy people? Where can I meet a decent guy? Just one nice date would be fantastic. Any suggestions?
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Sucktacular [May. 24th, 2007|10:14 am]
[Current Location |My apartment]
[Current Mood |aggravatedaggravated]

Well that was a disappointment!  I get home from meeting one of my political idols, all high on life, excited to watch the American Idol finale on my TiVo, but it was two hours of almost pure suck.  I don't even care who won.  This is what they give me after all those countless hours watching their show?  Forget them!
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Random gibberish [May. 12th, 2007|09:21 pm]
[Current Mood |boredbored]
[Current Music |The hum of the computers and air conditioner at work]

So, as usual, I haven't updated this thing in forever, but oh well.  I am currently into hour 14 of 16 at work on a Saturday of all days.  I like my job I guess, but these weekends SUCK.  I work pretty much every weekend and most Saturdays are much like this one, where I have no time for anything but work.  But I applied for a full-time position here that is during normal business hours, so hopefully I'll get that, along with my weekends back and a (much) bigger paycheck.

What else, what else.  My semester is over with and it feels great.  I think it will turn out to be my best semester grade-wise and now I only have four classes left to take before I finally get my BA in Political Science (concentration in Citizenship and Civic Action) and a minor in Social Justice (oh how I wish you could be my major).  I enjoyed my courses this semester for once as well.  My academic interests are constantly evolving and I have become increasingly interesting in systematic social change/movements, issues of identity and class, and a variety of other things, but I won't get on my soapbox ... this time.

Summer plans include getting in shape (this seems to be a summer plan every summer, but maybe this will be the one), working, hopefully a little camping, reading (political/progressive/social change stuff), a trip down to Atlanta for the U.S. Social Forum, and a trip to San Diego to visit family/friends if I can swing it (only need about 4,000 more frequent flier miles for a free plane ticket!).

Lately I have been thinking about the future, trying to figure out where this path I am on is going to take me.  What I am afraid of is that I will not live the life I want to, that I will take a cop-out and become someone who I do not want to be.  I have these strong passions and beliefs and I want to live my life accordingly, but we'll see where this crazy ride takes me.  I'm still learning so much about myself, who I am, where I stand on things, where I want to go.  It is a never ending journey of discovering, and while a little disconcerting at times, it is exciting.

I guess that's it for now.  This whole thing was probably a bore for all of you, but it did me some good, so there.  I want to update more, especially now that I have the time, but we'll see.
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Most annoying ad EVER! [Feb. 5th, 2007|07:19 am]
[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]

Okay, so I am not even going to begin to address the problem of advertising and consumerism in this country, not gonna do it.  What I am going to do is bitch about this stupid Internet ad.  I was on MySpace as part of my traditional things to check when I hop on the Net in the morning and all of the sudden LANDSLIDE!  These big boulder looking things start falling down my screen and fill up 85% of EVERYTHING!  WHAT THE HELL?!?  I hate the ads that move over content, but usually it is just a little chunk, not the whole freaking screen.  Enough already!  I tried to get it to do it again so I could take a screenshot of this ad for nowwhat.com (Which is for State Farm Insurance of all things), but I guess I am not that special.  What is this world coming to?
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WTF?!? [Feb. 3rd, 2007|08:21 am]
[Current Mood |aggravatedaggravated]

So the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change of the United Nations put out the results of a study today that pretty much says unequivocally that global warming exists and that we need to do something to stop it (but in typical UN and bureaucratic fashion, they don't recommend what we do).  ANYHOW, in the New York Times article, this is how our own secretary from the U.S. Department of Energy sees it...

"At the same time, Secretary of Energy Samuel Bodman rejected the idea of unilateral limits on emissions. 'We are a small contributor to the overall, when you look at the rest of the world, so it’s really got to be a global solution,' he said."

SMALL CONTRIBUTOR?!?  Are you on fucking crack?  The United States, as the article later explains (but does nothing to criticize this outlandish remark) that this country has 5 percent of the overall global population but an outstanding 25 percent of the overall greenhouse gas emissions comes from us, more than any other country!  Now I agree it has to be a global solution, but fucking take some responsibility instead of always trying to protect your corporate interests.  This is exactly the kind of bullshit this country doesn't need.  We are a huge part of the problem and we need to go about fixing it.  So Bush and his goons need to forget about their relationships with big oil and industry, hell the entire corporate world and focus on saving this damn planet.  Enough said!

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R.I.P. [Sep. 10th, 2006|10:06 am]
[Current Mood |morosemorose]

Johnathan L. Benson
1985-Sept. 9, 2006
A great soldier, man and friend
Rest in peace buddy

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Hilarious! [Aug. 21st, 2006|08:53 pm]
[Current Mood |amusedamused]
[Current Music |Snow Patrol]

Came across this on CollegeHumor.com (yeah, I'm bored):

Apparently Wal-Mart is a classy place now.  Fooled me.
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